Is Polyamory for You?#

Max* walked into my consulting room and sat towards the far edge of the couch. His foot began rapidly tapping the hardwood floor beneath him, betraying an anxiety uncharacteristic of his generally calm demeanor. He seemed to notice his fidgeting just as I did, and gently put a hand on his knee, as if to calm himself. He took a deep breath, looked at me gravely. “He’s going to move in,” he said.

Like many gay men in London, Max and his partner Jevon were in an open relationship. Not just open either; each of them had had intense parallel love-relationships at different points over their fifteen years together. But this time was different; over the past year they’d both fallen for the same guy, Hassan, and he had fallen for both of them. They’d developed an ongoing joke that one day they’d all move in together and be a proper “throuple.” That day, it seemed, had finally arrived.

Though Max had never used the words “ethical non-monogamy” —the notion that good relationships can be non-exclusive, so long as everyone involved is aware and consenting—it was pretty much the arrangement he and his partner had agreed upon. It certainly hadn’t all been smooth sailing, and there were some serious close calls that threatened to break them up along the way. But generally it had worked well, and over time they’d found themselves in a safe, comfortable rhythm. Hassan moving in was going to be a whole new thing: a proper polyamorous relationship. “We all love each other,” he said with his eyes beginning to tear, “but I’m really afraid this is going to fuck everything up.”

Monogamy, we have a problem

Monogamy continues to have a powerful hold over us, despite ample evidence that it promises more than it delivers. In Britain, two in five marriages end in divorce and the average marriage lasts just under 13 years. And while the odds are still just in favor of things working out with the first person you take to the altar or registry office, it still begs the question of whether it’s a reasonable expectation upon which to base one of life’s most important decisions.

The numbers around infidelity are a bit trickier to measure for obvious reasons. While one in five British adults admitted to having an affair in a survey, it’s safe to assume the actual number is larger. Furthermore, defining what counts as an affair depends on who’s doing the asking: social scientists and irate partners may disagree. While sleeping with someone else is indisputably cheating, for some the bar can be as low as fantasizing about someone else or enjoying some porn. For others it's higher: flirting, kissing, and “everything but.”

Take Simon and Amina.* After seven years of marriage they came to see me when Simon discovered that Amina had been having a long-time, passionate text-exchange with an old flame she’d contacted on Instagram. This man lived far away and nothing physical ever happened, but Simon felt deeply betrayed by what he called her “emotional affair.” Amina didn’t deny that her feelings for the guy were real, but she also said that it didn’t mean she felt anything less for Simon —she had just found the whole thing exciting and fun.

Across our many sessions Simon and Amina came to understand that the harm to their relationship was less about Amina’s feelings for someone else than how hurt Simon was that such a big secret had been kept from him. Not that Simon was happy to learn about those feelings, but what really wounded him was her dishonesty—the feeling that he didn’t know who she was anymore.

“I trusted you,” he said, “we made vows to each other, we made an agreement.”

The idea that Amina could be polyamorous couldn’t have been further from her thoughts. That’s because in her mind, like most people’s, polyamory is about having sex with lots of different people, when in practice it’s really about the agreements people make with each other. Once you dispense with monogamy’s one single commandment, you still need a rule book; polyamorous relationships are about designing one that’s tailor-made to fit its participants' needs and desires.

Am I polyamorous?

Despite monogamy remaining the dominant model for generations, the belief that we are innately monogamous creatures is surprisingly low today. According to a recent YouGov poll of American adults, only 35% of respondents thought that it was true that human beings are naturally monogamous. Of the remaining respondents, representing nearly two thirds of the population, 27% believed we’re not naturally monogamous and 38% weren’t sure. It’s notable, however, how few of this majority appear to be voting with their feet: only 9% of respondents have been in a polyamorous relationship, and when asked if they’d even consider it, four out of five said definitely or probably not. That’s an interesting finding, and I wonder if, next to monogamy’s straightforward one-size-fits-all model, part of the problem is that people simply don’t know what polyamory really is.

While polyamory dispenses with the idea that love is defined principally by exclusion, what it includes is wildly up for grabs. Versions are myriad, from “monogamish” (a term coined by sex-advice columnist Dan Savage), where devoted couples don’t sweat dalliances on the side; “hierarchical poly” where a “primary couple” also enjoys secondary partners singly or together (think the Underwoods in House of Cards); “solo poly,”, for the more independently minded who choose not to organize their lives around a single primary partner or couple; the “throuple,” a loving unit of three instead of two; and the “relational anarchist” where the traditional idea of a relationship is dispensed with entirely (anyone who’s seen the film Passages will know this one doesn’t usually end well).

The key to making any of these work is a foundation of trust, open communication, mutual negotiation, and consent from all parties—usually grounded in an oral, or more rarely written, agreement. Due to being historically less beholden to heteronormative conventions, members of the LGBTQ+ community have been pioneers in establishing polyamorous relationships and defining their norms; some forms of polyamory are arguably more straightforward for queer, bisexual and gay people—especially in same-sex throuples or “unicorns” where an opposite sex couple is joined by a bisexual third.

While it may seem more playful, polyamory is no simple solution to monogamy’s problems, nor is it for the faint-hearted. Poly relationships are no freer from the conflicts, misunderstandings, and jealousies than traditional ones endure: in fact, additional lovers, or “paramours” in poly jargon, increase complexity by orders of magnitude. Fortunately, polyamory isn’t short on advice: just one dependable guide among many is Hardy and Easton’s The Ethical Slut, now in its third edition.

If these sorts of arrangements seem weird and alien to you, you may take issue with the title of this article, but bear with me. As I’ve written previously with regard to personality types or mental health diagnoses, giving yourself labels is only helpful up to a point. When it comes to polyamory, it is better to see it as an alternative perspective which, whether practiced or not, can free us from the way traditional monogamy has constrained our understanding of relationships.

Defining polyamory on your own terms

I’ve often heard it argued that polyamorous relationships are just an escape from the commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice required by monogamy – and this can be true. However, it can also be true that relationship crises that seem to be about monogamy hide other issues that need further examination – as turned out to be the case for Simon and Amina.

As a psychotherapist I have learned that successful relationships are less to do with how many people are involved than the quality of communication and respect within them. The creative power of polyamory is that in refusing to conform to the constraints of monogamy, you are forced to think about relationships with fresh eyes, from outside the box rather than from within it.

Amina and Simon’s crisis pushed them to the edge, and though they ultimately didn’t want to open up their relationship, it forced them to work hard to re-establish trust and commit to redefining what their “agreement” to each other really meant. Max, by taking a risk on reconfiguring the box he’d created over the years with Jevon, found to his surprise that being in a thruple was much easier than he’d anticipated, increasing the love in their household more than he imagined was possible.

When all is said and done, monogamy and polyamory are just concepts—it’s down to each of us to make our own decisions about how we wish to do relationships. Polyamory suggests that love needn’t be a scarcity defined by exclusion, but an abundance to be shared. Is it risky? Yes, but so is monogamy, only differently. Great relationships are essentially about getting the balance right between independence and interdependence: whatever model you choose should aim to do that.

If there’s one universal lesson to be learned from polyamory, it’s this: regularly revisit the terms of your relationship and keep them up to date. You and your partner will change over time and your relationship needs to flex to challenges and opportunities it faces today. Too many couples take their relationships for granted, failing to check in on it until it’s too late. Infidelity may get all the headlines, but complacency is the silent killer.

In proposing that you could be polyamorous, I am not encouraging you to throw caution to the wind and boldly “go open.” I am suggesting that the next time you feel strong feelings for someone who’s not your partner, don’t see it as a moral failure, but as an opportunity. Perhaps this is a moment for you and your partner to check in with each other and find out how your relationship might change to better support you both. While most couples will find ways to breathe new life into their relationship monogamously, others may want to dip their toes into polyamory. After all, you can be on the wrong side of monogamy, and still be on the right side of love.

*All of the characters mentioned are entirely fictionalised, but draw on real examples.

This story originally appeared in British GQ.